By PAMELA VENTURA

About three years ago, Rubi Ventura, 13, went out with her friends. She claims her curfew was set for 10 p.m., though she arrived home at midnight. According to her, the trains were delayed. As soon as she gets home her mother is up waiting for her. That’s when it started.

Soon a war of words ignited. They could not agree on anything and it only got worse. “We don’t have a close connection,” said Rubi. “We’re always fighting. She doesn’t understand me.”

The kind of argument that is commonplace in Bronx households–adolescents reaching an age of independence as parents exercise authority. As teens grow and begin making decisions, parents have a hard time coping with this. The most common problem is that teens tend to say that their parents do not understand them, distancing themselves while only leading to more arguments.

As children begin to grow up and become teenagers, it becomes common that some may simply test the waters, which can often lead to immense arguments. Andrew Echevarria, a 16-year-old from the Bronx, tested any presumed independence when he was in his freshman year in high school. “My mother and I got into this big argument when I got home late. I had to make up a lie because I knew if I would’ve told her the truth I would’ve gotten into way more trouble.”

Complicated issues, like dating, can cause even bigger arguments. Rosanna Munoz, a 16-year-old teen, experienced this firsthand when she told her parents she wanted to start dating. “My mom wasn’t so strict about it. She did have a problem at first but after she met my boyfriend, everything was cool,” said Rosanna. “My dad, on the other hand, created a scene. He was really overprotective. My mom had to have a long conversation with him and he eventually came around when he realized my boyfriend was a nice guy.”

The source of these issues and how to resolve them can take time. Kristin A. Perret, Ph.D., staff psychologist at Montefiore Health System, said teens undergo change, which can cause tension and anxiety both for parents as well as teens.

Arguments seem to increase around this age because teens experience many physiological changes that cause mood swings, low self-esteem, and increased fatigue. Fights can also be caused by rehashing previous situations instead of communicating and addressing problems when they are noted. Parents seem to not apologize after arguments even if they are wrong because they are used to being authoritative. It can be hard to adjust when teens are becoming adults and their parents’ authority is decreasing.

“…It is important to keep in mind that each person has their own ‘truth.’ It is important to be open, listen to each other’s perspectives and look for ways to compromise,” said Perret. “A teen is filled with curiosity and needs independence. It is important to be an active listener so that your teen continues to seek you out for advice, rather than closing the door to communication for fear of judgment.”

Often, rules can help ease an argument. Perret recommends both sides try not to raise their voice, keep a calm tone, avoid interrupting, and understanding the other side. If it comes down to apologizing, Perret said it’s better never to “rehash the argument.”

“An apology can be seen as taking accountability for your part in the issue and working toward minimizing the re-occurrence of the same problem in the future by changing behavior,” she said.